For the past two weeks I have been joining the Sat Yoga Sangha in 4am meditations, wisdom school classes, encounter groups, guided meditation, asanas, pranayama, and a daily commitment to my own self realization. All of this was offered online, and I must admit it was so smooth and effortless that I felt always completely included and a part of the activities. Other participants came for this Immersion from all over the world, including South Africa, Europe, and the U.S., and I joined from Costa Rica, which is the home of Sat Yoga Institute.
Why was I not there in person? Well, there was the matter of my sick cat, WuWei. Her sister Haiku had passed on the month before and she fell ill just before the Immersion; I could not abandon her. The vet said all her organs were compromised and suggested euthanasia, but I decided as long as she showed any inclination to want to live, I would be there for her. So my immersion experience was infused by daily administrations to WuWei of liquified food and oral medicines, as well as gentle massage. And so I tended both to my deepest soul and the simple functions of life as it is.
How I came to this miraculous Ashram I do not believe was anything but Divine Grace. My life has always been about the journey towards Oneness. From the time I was a child, I called to God to take me home, away from the earthly plane of suffering. I even pledged my life if it would do away with the evil I saw all around me. And so I began, in fits and starts, to stumble toward God and the Love I felt he pointed to, in the form of Jesus.
It was when I met my first teacher in 1975, that I truly realized what Divine Love meant, for I surrendered fully to the teaching of Satsang, Service, and Meditation. Living with other “premies” (Prem=love) in self-established households was the focus I needed to make the practices a concrete aspect of my daily life. I became grounded in silent meditation, where my Spirit soared in Love, but I was still unhealed from family trauma, which effected my relationships with misconceptions and distortions. I was fortunate to marry a man who also had embraced God and we had 4 amazing children while building our own community of Devotional Singing and Rebirthing.
Unfortunately, the unhealed ego is a tenacious downward vortex that begs one’s attention. If one isn’t aware of one’s conditioned tendencies, they can play havoc in one’s life, creating unnecessary drama. The end of my marriage was a huge rift in my heart, as it uncovered betrayals and lies from lack of transparency and vulnerability. I thought I had enough tools in my healer’s kit to unearth the core wounds of childhood, but instead of fully facing my fear, I filled my life with distractions and failed relationships. Still, God’s Presence overshadowed and kept track of me. Though I was still stumbling in the dark, I offered my life over and over again to the Truth through daily meditation and study.
When Swami entered my life, I had been a single mom for 8 years and had just graduated cum laude from university. All was relatively stable at the time, though I still longed for the beloved to appear in my life. Swami, and the non-dual teachings he shared with me opened my mind to God as Self, I am That, the One without an Other, Not Two. I wanted more. We talked about creating a healing center in Costa Rica. The obstacles began to fall away, even the impossible became possible as my eldest children entered college and the younger two were housed and safe with friends and family. My house sold at a premium price. We were good to go.
Yet the center never materialized. Swami waffled between his talks on nonduality and his attempts to sell his idea to the highest bidder. It did not end well. He finally had a melt down when all his attempts to keep his multiple investors happy failed. I sent him back to his family in Florida. I remained in Costa Rica.
I know, I know, how could I not see the pattern? I was seeking outside for what was always there from the beginning, the intrinsic Self, the Source Point, That from which the Dream of Life emanates, the very One looking through these eyes! And yet even Swami did not reflect that infinite Heart of Love that arises when I take the deep dive into innermost Being. Grasping onto the dream will never quench a thirst for the true God, the source of all dreaming, both form and formless.
But of course, I had to stumble into the trap one more time before it sunk in; one more failed relationship before I suddenly ripped wide open and I saw my identification with a false egoíc belief that had within it built in failure because I was projecting onto my partner an unmet childhood need. It was truly shocking to realize that I had once again been sucked into a delusion that almost cost me a friend in whose eyes I recognize the flame of Consciousness. It was profoundly humbling, stunningly painful, and awe inspiring. To keep one’s heart open in the midst of searing pain, to remain honest and vulnerable, to stand in the fire and not flinch, is the culmination of a heroic journey.
So when Sat Yoga whispered to me I listened. I was ripe. And the message was cleanly delivered: Thou Art That, the One without a Second, the original “I”, the only True Self. If you ask yourself “Who is the Seer?” before what is seen, that is a pointer. It is Consciousness Itself, looking through your eyes, aware of your thoughts, and actually not separate at all. This body is an emanation from the Mind of God, a frequency shimmering into time and space directly from the Source, and it has a brief and beautiful life. I aim to make the most of it. And if you listen, truly listen, to the words of Shunyamurti, whose wisdom resonates and illuminates with every word, you might also find the inspiration to enter your own journey of awakening to the Self and thereby find the unfathomable Peace and Joy of emergence with your own Divine Nature, and thereby assist in the upliftment of humanity and the healing of the world.
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