Sat Yoga Immersion - Diving into the Infinite

 

For the past two weeks I have been joining the Sat Yoga Sangha in 4am meditations, wisdom school classes, encounter groups, guided meditation, asanas, pranayama, and a daily commitment to my own self realization. All of this was offered online, and I must admit it was so smooth and effortless that I felt always completely included and a part of the activities. Other participants came for this Immersion from all over the world, including South Africa, Europe, and the U.S., and I joined from Costa Rica, which is the home of Sat Yoga Institute.

Why was I not there in person? Well, there was the matter of my sick cat, WuWei. Her sister Haiku had passed on the month before and she fell ill just before the Immersion; I could not abandon her. The vet said all her organs were compromised and suggested euthanasia, but I decided as long as she showed any inclination to want to live, I would be there for her. So my immersion experience was infused by daily administrations to WuWei of liquified food and oral medicines, as well as gentle massage. And so I tended both to my deepest soul and the simple functions of life as it is.

How I came to this miraculous Ashram I do not believe was anything but Divine Grace. My life has always been about the journey towards Oneness. From the time I was a child, I called to God to take me home, away from the earthly plane of suffering. I even pledged my life if it would do away with the evil I saw all around me. And so I began, in fits and starts, to stumble toward God and the Love I felt he pointed to, in the form of Jesus.

It was when I met my first teacher in 1975, that I truly realized what Divine Love meant, for I surrendered fully to the teaching of Satsang, Service, and Meditation. Living with other “premies” (Prem=love) in self-established households was the focus I needed to make the practices a concrete aspect of my daily life. I became grounded in silent meditation, where my Spirit soared in Love, but I was still unhealed from family trauma, which effected my relationships with misconceptions and distortions. I was fortunate to marry a man who also had embraced God and we had 4 amazing children while building our own community of Devotional Singing and Rebirthing.

Unfortunately, the unhealed ego is a tenacious downward vortex that begs one’s attention. If one isn’t aware of one’s conditioned tendencies, they can play havoc in one’s life, creating unnecessary drama. The end of my marriage was a huge rift in my heart, as it uncovered betrayals and lies from lack of transparency and vulnerability. I thought I had enough tools in my healer’s kit to unearth the core wounds of childhood, but instead of fully facing my fear, I filled my life with distractions and failed relationships. Still, God’s Presence overshadowed and kept track of me. Though I was still stumbling in the dark, I offered my life over and over again to the Truth through daily meditation and study.

When Swami entered my life, I had been a single mom for 8 years and had just graduated cum laude from university. All was relatively stable at the time, though I still longed for the beloved to appear in my life. Swami, and the non-dual teachings he shared with me opened my mind to God as Self, I am That, the One without an Other, Not Two. I wanted more. We talked about creating a healing center in Costa Rica. The obstacles began to fall away, even the impossible became possible as my eldest children entered college and the younger two were housed and safe with friends and family. My house sold at a premium price. We were good to go.

Yet the center never materialized. Swami waffled between his talks on nonduality and his attempts to sell his idea to the highest bidder. It did not end well. He finally had a melt down when all his attempts to keep his multiple investors happy failed. I sent him back to his family in Florida. I remained in Costa Rica.

I know, I know, how could I not see the pattern? I was seeking outside for what was always there from the beginning, the intrinsic Self, the Source Point, That from which the Dream of Life emanates, the very One looking through these eyes! And yet even Swami did not reflect that infinite Heart of Love that arises when I take the deep dive into innermost Being. Grasping onto the dream will never quench a thirst for the true God, the source of all dreaming, both form and formless.

But of course, I had to stumble into the trap one more time before it sunk in; one more failed relationship before I suddenly ripped wide open and I saw my identification with a false egoíc belief that had within it built in failure because I was projecting onto my partner an unmet childhood need. It was truly shocking to realize that I had once again been sucked into a delusion that almost cost me a friend in whose eyes I recognize the flame of Consciousness. It was profoundly humbling, stunningly painful, and awe inspiring. To keep one’s heart open in the midst of searing pain, to remain honest and vulnerable, to stand in the fire and not flinch, is the culmination of a heroic journey.

So when Sat Yoga whispered to me I listened. I was ripe. And the message was cleanly delivered: Thou Art That, the One without a Second, the original “I”, the only True Self. If you ask yourself  “Who is the Seer?” before what is seen, that is a pointer. It is Consciousness Itself, looking through your eyes, aware of your thoughts, and actually not separate at all. This body is an emanation from the Mind of God, a frequency shimmering into time and space directly from the Source, and it has a brief and beautiful life. I aim to make the most of it. And if you listen, truly listen, to the words of Shunyamurti, whose wisdom resonates and illuminates with every word, you might also find the inspiration to enter your own journey of awakening to the Self and thereby find the unfathomable Peace and Joy of emergence with your own Divine Nature, and thereby assist in the upliftment of humanity and the healing of the world.

P.S. The last day of the immersion, WuWei failed to show up for breakfast. She has not reappeared. I do not know what impels an animal to go into the wilds when their life is coming to an end, but it is like abiding in the unknowing. Continue on to your next adventure, my little feline friends. You were much loved.

Your “Shadow Self.” How To Face It, Bring It To Light & Transcend It

 

By Milan Kareli in Collective Evolution

“What you most need will be found where you least want to look, but you have to look purposefully. If it chases you, then you’re the prey; if you confront it, you can transcend it.” – Jordan Peterson

There is a lot written about shadow and what it is. The direction is clear. Shadow is something we repress and hide from others, and in most cases, from ourselves. Where does it originate and what can we do to integrate or heal it?

Let’s begin by asking ‘why we have a shadow?’ Is it because we carry darkness at our core or does the shadow take shape over our lifetime as residue of fear, rage, shame and guilt, and their avoidance? I’d say a little bit of both. On the human collective level, we carry trauma related to suffering and aggression of our ancestors. But for the most part, our shadow develops during this lifetime in the form of a complex and sophisticated personality, that keeps us with a sense of control.

Deep down we feel vulnerable but try to hide it

Our inner world is complex and for some, unbearable. We continuously face and fear exposure of our contradictory complexity, towards ourselves and others. Instead of delving into the depth of our psyche and inviting more consciousness, we would rather guard ourselves. The more conscious we are, the more responsible we become for our actions. One of the reasons we so meticulously hide our shadow is because we don’t want to carry the consequence of our actions. And so, our vulnerability and shadow are closely linked.

There are many effective ways not to feel vulnerable and retain a sense of innocence. Abiding by a strict morality, adhering to ideologies, be they social, political or spiritual, or relying on religious dogma, all achieve exactly that protection. The kind of protection in which we cradle ourselves in feelings of righteousness and innocence. This is not to imply we shouldn’t seek for our actions to be moral or avoid believing but to become aware when they are used in service of feeling superior over others. Interestingly enough, our wish to remain innocent is a big shadow in and of itself.

So, while we’re busy repressing and controlling, the shadow feeds and grows with every attempt to fight off rejection, humiliation or punishment, as well as situations that leave us feeling guilty and ashamed

Here are some examples of how our shadow hides our vulnerability. Let’s say we want to be recognized for something we’ve done. Instead of asking for acknowledgment, we hide it through false humility and become resentful for not getting the attention we feel we deserve. Another example is our need to belong and be important to others. But again, instead of communicating this need, which makes us vulnerable to rejection, we make others feel important in the hope of being praised for our actions. Over time we’ve developed innumerable sophisticated ways to sugarcoat our shadows and feel in control.

Shadow integration begins with an honesty that seeks nothing in return

We can see, that most shadow has to do with survival attempts of some kind. This happens when we try to control our environments by behaving as victims, gaining respect through false humility, moral superiority and other forms of manipulation. When we talk about shadow integration, it’s crucial we are precise as to what the facets of our shadow are.

We want to, for example, be able to say, while refraining from any judgment, that ‘I smile at others, in order not to be attacked’ or ‘I control my partner by making him or her feel guilty’. Any judgment of what we discover in ourselves is a hidden attempt at victimizing ourselves and finding excuses. The ‘why’ is of secondary importance here, because the list of reasons is endless and the absolute source is difficult to pinpoint, but the urge to limit our vulnerability is still there.

This may be a good moment to say, that shadow integration is not about redemption, but about understanding the inner workings of vulnerability and protection, which are closely linked to our sense of survival, both physical and emotional.

Furthermore, we want to face our shadows, not to feel better or lighter in the future, but in order to become more integrated within ourselves and lessen the sense of separation that the shadow produces. We want to return integrity that comes with the responsibility of belonging to a history and culture that experiences a great deal of suffering and is greater than our individual selves. Integrating our shadow implies allowing the darkness to be part of us, without the desire to surpass it.

Drop the hope for a pain-free life

When we face our shadow, we want to fully own the aggression, fear, selfishness or greed living inside us. We want to clarify first and foremost to ourselves how we play power games and seek control. This acknowledgment doesn’t necessarily reduce the hurt to ourselves or others or enable us to change. There is no certain outcome from shadow integration and that’s a tough pill to swallow. What we’re ‘simply’ doing, is bringing something hidden to light, without the attempt to make it more or less significant or dramatic, but rather see it as it is, thereby becoming more aware.

The more emotionality we induce into the characterization of our shadow, the less integration takes place. Shadow integration should be a non-dramatic act, surrounded by a hint of coolness, where we observe who we’ve become. We will feel the pain of lies, betrayal and hurt to others during this observation. And in the process of doing so, holding back judgment, positive or negative, is truly challenging. How is it possible ‘not to comment’ on what we regard as a personal experience? We need to understand that any commentary also contains the attempt to change the experience, be it freeing or punishing to us.

Healing the shadow is a magical process in which we are the participant, not the director

The great challenge in shadow integration is to grow our capacity to be with or hold an experience without having the ability to change it. What has been done is in the past and can’t be undone; it can only be held and by holding it patiently, more facets can emerge and be seen. Like when a child injures itself, we can only hold them to share the pain of waiting for healing to take place, but the magic of healing has its own mysterious timeline.

When we own our shadow, it puts us in a helpless and humbling place. It shows us our limitations and that is something we don’t want to feel. Maximizing our potential for our own feelings of greatness is just another shadow. Acknowledging the limitation of our potential, without minimizing our strength or exercising false humility, allows us to share our light.

Life comes with a lot of limitations and the shadow tries to interfere with life itself. Facing our shadow is a spiritual act as we embrace and allow a little more of our human totality to be included. Through this experience, we can get in touch with a humility and simplicity, that can often touch something at our core, which is mystically meaningful and expanding.

Integration comes from a place that is non-dramatic, because drama always takes sides, and it makes us miss the simplicity lying in the acknowledgment of human complexity. Shadow integration is a lifelong and even a magical process. It happens when we are completely truthful, giving up all deals with God or fate, and surrendering to what we essentially are: vulnerable. We want to invite feeling the pain our shadow reveals to us without seeking redemption. In a way, every time we say yes to a shadow part in us, we agree to re-enter continuous vulnerability of being human.

This is where integration begins.

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