This blog is only about awakening, nothing more, nothing less. Anything that will contribute to the possibility of complete liberation from the dream, or from the mass hallucination of humanity, or from the mental matrix, or from the false self, or from the lie, or any other label you want to call it, is welcome here. The key words are FREEDOM and JOY. Sometimes I think this reporting about stuff just keeps the false story going and only adds to the insanity, and there's too much of that already. But something is trying to pry the lid off still, something awaits to be seen. We are all in this boat together, so here we go......have fun!
Here I carry this caput mortuum, this undying death’s head, this empty head which is the fountain-head of all heads, this infinitely old head on young shoulders, this head so high and so primitive that it has never fallen from paradise. Fixed at the mid-point of an endlessly elastic dome, I am the still and invisible Eye which takes in all the dome’s restless and many-coloured linings from the firmament down to my eyelid. I am this infinitesimal spot on the cosmic map, with nevertheless the map in my hand; for ever caught in this traffic bottleneck, which nevertheless finds room for the bottle. My world-wide wheels can neither exist nor turn without this unmoving hub; my world-wide body has no organ half so vital as this subvital and indeed subphysical heart of hearts. Here are key and keyhole and door in one – the central emptiness which is the key of the Kingdom, the keyhole which leads to Wonderland, the needle’s eye which is the gate of Heaven. Through this Point of entry I am in all the world and all the world is in me. And if, having entered, I am capable of many things, it is because capability means room; if I am a thinking reed it is because, reed-like, I am coreless. Cogito ergo NON sum. And common sense, for ever trying to salvage some miserable chattel for me, only breaks the conditions of that universal policy of insurance whereby unlimited compensation is given to those who lose all.
(Douglas Harding. The Hierarchy of Heaven and Earth.)
For the past two weeks I have been joining the Sat Yoga Sangha in 4am meditations, wisdom school classes, encounter groups, guided meditation, asanas, pranayama, and a daily commitment to my own self realization. All of this was offered online, and I must admit it was so smooth and effortless that I felt always completely included and a part of the activities. Other participants came for this Immersion from all over the world, including South Africa, Europe, and the U.S., and I joined from Costa Rica, which is the home of Sat Yoga Institute.
Why was I not there in person? Well, there was the matter of my sick cat, WuWei. Her sister Haiku had passed on the month before and she fell ill just before the Immersion; I could not abandon her. The vet said all her organs were compromised and suggested euthanasia, but I decided as long as she showed any inclination to want to live, I would be there for her. So my immersion experience was infused by daily administrations to WuWei of liquified food and oral medicines, as well as gentle massage. And so I tended both to my deepest soul and the simple functions of life as it is.
How I came to this miraculous Ashram I do not believe was anything but Divine Grace. My life has always been about the journey towards Oneness. From the time I was a child, I called to God to take me home, away from the earthly plane of suffering. I even pledged my life if it would do away with the evil I saw all around me. And so I began, in fits and starts, to stumble toward God and the Love I felt he pointed to, in the form of Jesus.
It was when I met my first teacher in 1975, that I truly realized what Divine Love meant, for I surrendered fully to the teaching of Satsang, Service, and Meditation. Living with other “premies” (Prem=love) in self-established households was the focus I needed to make the practices a concrete aspect of my daily life. I became grounded in silent meditation, where my Spirit soared in Love, but I was still unhealed from family trauma, which effected my relationships with misconceptions and distortions. I was fortunate to marry a man who also had embraced God and we had 4 amazing children while building our own community of Devotional Singing and Rebirthing.
Unfortunately, the unhealed ego is a tenacious downward vortex that begs one’s attention. If one isn’t aware of one’s conditioned tendencies, they can play havoc in one’s life, creating unnecessary drama. The end of my marriage was a huge rift in my heart, as it uncovered betrayals and lies from lack of transparency and vulnerability. I thought I had enough tools in my healer’s kit to unearth the core wounds of childhood, but instead of fully facing my fear, I filled my life with distractions and failed relationships. Still, God’s Presence overshadowed and kept track of me. Though I was still stumbling in the dark, I offered my life over and over again to the Truth through daily meditation and study.
When Swami entered my life, I had been a single mom for 8 years and had just graduated cum laude from university. All was relatively stable at the time, though I still longed for the beloved to appear in my life. Swami, and the non-dual teachings he shared with me opened my mind to God as Self, I am That, the One without an Other, Not Two. I wanted more. We talked about creating a healing center in Costa Rica. The obstacles began to fall away, even the impossible became possible as my eldest children entered college and the younger two were housed and safe with friends and family. My house sold at a premium price. We were good to go.
Yet the center never materialized. Swami waffled between his talks on nonduality and his attempts to sell his idea to the highest bidder. It did not end well. He finally had a melt down when all his attempts to keep his multiple investors happy failed. I sent him back to his family in Florida. I remained in Costa Rica.
I know, I know, how could I not see the pattern? I was seeking outside for what was always there from the beginning, the intrinsic Self, the Source Point, That from which the Dream of Life emanates, the very One looking through these eyes! And yet even Swami did not reflect that infinite Heart of Love that arises when I take the deep dive into innermost Being. Grasping onto the dream will never quench a thirst for the true God, the source of all dreaming, both form and formless.
But of course, I had to stumble into the trap one more time before it sunk in; one more failed relationship before I suddenly ripped wide open and I saw my identification with a false egoíc belief that had within it built in failure because I was projecting onto my partner an unmet childhood need. It was truly shocking to realize that I had once again been sucked into a delusion that almost cost me a friend in whose eyes I recognize the flame of Consciousness. It was profoundly humbling, stunningly painful, and awe inspiring. To keep one’s heart open in the midst of searing pain, to remain honest and vulnerable, to stand in the fire and not flinch, is the culmination of a heroic journey.
So when Sat Yoga whispered to me I listened. I was ripe. And the message was cleanly delivered: Thou Art That, the One without a Second, the original “I”, the only True Self. If you ask yourself “Who is the Seer?” before what is seen, that is a pointer. It is Consciousness Itself, looking through your eyes, aware of your thoughts, and actually not separate at all. This body is an emanation from the Mind of God, a frequency shimmering into time and space directly from the Source, and it has a brief and beautiful life. I aim to make the most of it. And if you listen, truly listen, to the words of Shunyamurti, whose wisdom resonates and illuminates with every word, you might also find the inspiration to enter your own journey of awakening to the Self and thereby find the unfathomable Peace and Joy of emergence with your own Divine Nature, and thereby assist in the upliftment of humanity and the healing of the world.
P.S. The last day of the immersion, WuWei failed to show up for breakfast. She has not reappeared. I do not know what impels an animal to go into the wilds when their life is coming to an end, but it is like abiding in the unknowing. Continue on to your next adventure, my little feline friends. You were much loved.
Lose yourself, Lose yourself in this love. When you lose yourself in this love, you will find everything.
Lose yourself, Lose yourself. Do not fear this loss, For you will rise from the earth and embrace the endless heavens.
Lose yourself, Lose yourself. Escape from this earthly form, For this body is a chain and you are its prisoner. Smash through the prison wall and walk outside with the kings and princes.
Lose yourself, Lose yourself at the foot of the glorious King. When you lose yourself before the King you will become the King.
Lose yourself, Lose yourself. Escape from the black cloud that surrounds you. Then you will see your own light as radiant as the full moon.
Now enter that silence. This is the surest way to lose yourself. . . .
What is your life about, anyway?— Nothing but a struggle to be someone, Nothing but a running from your own silence.
“What you most need will be found where you least want to look, but you have to look purposefully. If it chases you, then you’re the prey; if you confront it, you can transcend it.” – Jordan Peterson
There is a lot written about shadow and what it is. The direction is clear. Shadow is something we repress and hide from others, and in most cases, from ourselves. Where does it originate and what can we do to integrate or heal it?
Let’s begin by asking ‘why we have a shadow?’ Is it because we carry darkness at our core or does the shadow take shape over our lifetime as residue of fear, rage, shame and guilt, and their avoidance? I’d say a little bit of both. On the human collective level, we carry trauma related to suffering and aggression of our ancestors. But for the most part, our shadow develops during this lifetime in the form of a complex and sophisticated personality, that keeps us with a sense of control.
Deep down we feel vulnerable but try to hide it
Our inner world is complex and for some, unbearable. We continuously face and fear exposure of our contradictory complexity, towards ourselves and others. Instead of delving into the depth of our psyche and inviting more consciousness, we would rather guard ourselves. The more conscious we are, the more responsible we become for our actions. One of the reasons we so meticulously hide our shadow is because we don’t want to carry the consequence of our actions. And so, our vulnerability and shadow are closely linked.
There are many effective ways not to feel vulnerable and retain a sense of innocence. Abiding by a strict morality, adhering to ideologies, be they social, political or spiritual, or relying on religious dogma, all achieve exactly that protection. The kind of protection in which we cradle ourselves in feelings of righteousness and innocence. This is not to imply we shouldn’t seek for our actions to be moral or avoid believing but to become aware when they are used in service of feeling superior over others. Interestingly enough, our wish to remain innocent is a big shadow in and of itself.
So, while we’re busy repressing and controlling, the shadow feeds and grows with every attempt to fight off rejection, humiliation or punishment, as well as situations that leave us feeling guilty and ashamed
Here are some examples of how our shadow hides our vulnerability. Let’s say we want to be recognized for something we’ve done. Instead of asking for acknowledgment, we hide it through false humility and become resentful for not getting the attention we feel we deserve. Another example is our need to belong and be important to others. But again, instead of communicating this need, which makes us vulnerable to rejection, we make others feel important in the hope of being praised for our actions. Over time we’ve developed innumerable sophisticated ways to sugarcoat our shadows and feel in control.
Shadow integration begins with an honesty that seeks nothing in return
We can see, that most shadow has to do with survival attempts of some kind. This happens when we try to control our environments by behaving as victims, gaining respect through false humility, moral superiority and other forms of manipulation. When we talk about shadow integration, it’s crucial we are precise as to what the facets of our shadow are.
We want to, for example, be able to say, while refraining from any judgment, that ‘I smile at others, in order not to be attacked’ or ‘I control my partner by making him or her feel guilty’. Any judgment of what we discover in ourselves is a hidden attempt at victimizing ourselves and finding excuses. The ‘why’ is of secondary importance here, because the list of reasons is endless and the absolute source is difficult to pinpoint, but the urge to limit our vulnerability is still there.
This may be a good moment to say, that shadow integration is not about redemption, but about understanding the inner workings of vulnerability and protection, which are closely linked to our sense of survival, both physical and emotional.
Furthermore, we want to face our shadows, not to feel better or lighter in the future, but in order to become more integrated within ourselves and lessen the sense of separation that the shadow produces. We want to return integrity that comes with the responsibility of belonging to a history and culture that experiences a great deal of suffering and is greater than our individual selves. Integrating our shadow implies allowing the darkness to be part of us, without the desire to surpass it.
Drop the hope for a pain-free life
When we face our shadow, we want to fully own the aggression, fear, selfishness or greed living inside us. We want to clarify first and foremost to ourselves how we play power games and seek control. This acknowledgment doesn’t necessarily reduce the hurt to ourselves or others or enable us to change. There is no certain outcome from shadow integration and that’s a tough pill to swallow. What we’re ‘simply’ doing, is bringing something hidden to light, without the attempt to make it more or less significant or dramatic, but rather see it as it is, thereby becoming more aware.
The more emotionality we induce into the characterization of our shadow, the less integration takes place. Shadow integration should be a non-dramatic act, surrounded by a hint of coolness, where we observe who we’ve become. We will feel the pain of lies, betrayal and hurt to others during this observation. And in the process of doing so, holding back judgment, positive or negative, is truly challenging. How is it possible ‘not to comment’ on what we regard as a personal experience? We need to understand that any commentary also contains the attempt to change the experience, be it freeing or punishing to us.
Healing the shadow is a magical process in which we are the participant, not the director
The great challenge in shadow integration is to grow our capacity to be with or hold an experience without having the ability to change it. What has been done is in the past and can’t be undone; it can only be held and by holding it patiently, more facets can emerge and be seen. Like when a child injures itself, we can only hold them to share the pain of waiting for healing to take place, but the magic of healing has its own mysterious timeline.
When we own our shadow, it puts us in a helpless and humbling place. It shows us our limitations and that is something we don’t want to feel. Maximizing our potential for our own feelings of greatness is just another shadow. Acknowledging the limitation of our potential, without minimizing our strength or exercising false humility, allows us to share our light.
Life comes with a lot of limitations and the shadow tries to interfere with life itself. Facing our shadow is a spiritual act as we embrace and allow a little more of our human totality to be included. Through this experience, we can get in touch with a humility and simplicity, that can often touch something at our core, which is mystically meaningful and expanding.
Integration comes from a place that is non-dramatic, because drama always takes sides, and it makes us miss the simplicity lying in the acknowledgment of human complexity. Shadow integration is a lifelong and even a magical process. It happens when we are completely truthful, giving up all deals with God or fate, and surrendering to what we essentially are: vulnerable. We want to invite feeling the pain our shadow reveals to us without seeking redemption. In a way, every time we say yes to a shadow part in us, we agree to re-enter continuous vulnerability of being human.
Ultimately sex doesn't come into its own till it is revealed as an aspect of the One's own joy in discovering and reuniting with Itself, disguised as the not-self or other - as one very special other. (Douglas Harding. Quoted in Seeing Who You Really Are by Richard Lang.)
Who after all, is here? Who is this Present-absent One, this No-thing, this 1st Person Singular, present tense? Haven't we decided that He is the one eyeless Seer, the one earless Hearer, the one tongueless Taster? He is also the one bodiless Lover! And just as the lover sees the beloved's face through a conceptual fog while he thinks he sees it with his eyes, and muffles the sound of her voice while he thinks he hears it with his ears, so he hardly begins to love her body while he thinks he loves it with his body. Only when he submits to being the One he really is - and she really is - does he know how to love that body, and know what sex is really about. In order to love it is necessary to be God, for God is love - and, not least, physical love. In order to be truly one with another it is necessary to be the One who is that other. (Douglas Harding. Quoted in Seeing Who You Really Are by Richard Lang)
The wonderfully strange and happy fact is that this Self-seeing (which is perfect anyway) self-forgetting: with the result that (for example) the once painfully-self-occupied public speaker, now wholly occupied with the audience, talks fluently and spontaneously and unanxiously; and the once painfully-self-occupied lover, now wholly occupied with the beloved, loves similarly well. In falsely self-conscious loving, which begins by being inefficient and ends by being impossible, each is using the other for personal satisfaction; each is attempting to enjoy his or her own body instead of the other's - so the enjoyment dwindles. In truly Self-conscious loving, on the contrary, each is the disembodied enjoyer of the other's body; each consciously makes way for and is occupied by the other, feels the other, knows (in the biblical sense) the other - and the by-product or bonus is that physical enjoyment flourishes, perhaps as never before.
A band of wanderers who traveled by thumb[1] or caravan to places they regarded as spiritually potent once gathered in the Tetons to Omfor world peace. They asked around for a tipi to use for the Om circles and somehow found me, and thus my tipi was enlisted for their mission. Among them was a songwriter whose haunting voice I can still hear, many decades later. Although her name is lost to me in the far canyons of memory, I still remember the lyrics she sang, which were something like this: “The world outside is a reflection of within. / We have the power to change it. / We can rearrange it.” Attempting to rearrange the “world outside” was the intent of those Om circles.
When I was not on Teton trails or paddling the river, I joined the wanderers to Om a few times, entranced by the harmonics through which I sometimes heard clear voices that I could never identify, saying puzzling things like: I found them. Over here. Here they are. The seeming dedication of these wanderers to serving the world was so strong that when Anwar Sadat — the Egyptian president who had won a Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating a treaty between Egypt and Israel — was assassinated, at least some of the Om folks took it personally, rededicating themselves to “rearranging” the world within that gives birth (in this view) to the world “outside.” As far as I could tell, from their perspective, rearranging the world within was mostly supposed to happen on the “inner planes,” through Om-ing.
From my viewpoint four decades later, I could not say that these wanderers were psychospiritually — or emotionally — mature (nor could I say that I was), though the Om practice did seem to offer, at least for moments, a palpable sense of peace and generosity of spirit, even compassion, toward others. The wanderers were the first spiritual seekers I’d encountered who believed — or who wanted to believe — that they were intimately connected with the unfolding of greater consciousness in the world, or with the devastating unraveling. Though even in those days, I recognized a shadow dissonance that I could not name when the seekers were soliciting money or food or airline tickets from folks with jobs rather than enacting their Om practice, I also found deep resonance with a possibility that my own manner of presence might be reflected in the “world outside” — a possibility that I was entangled in not only unspeakable beauty, but also in the aggression, rage, and divisiveness of human beings.
***
At the time, I was not familiar with the (apparently true) story that Jung was fond of telling about an old Taoist rainmaker who was called to a drought-stricken area in China. Upon arrival, the rainmaker asked to be left alone in a cottage outside the village. His meals were left outside the door. After three days in solitude, the clouds opened. When the old rainmaker was asked how he had delivered not only rain but also unseasonable snow, he declined to take credit for it. When further pressed, he offered his own explanation: “You see, I come from a place where the people are in order; they are in Tao; so the weather is also in order. But directly I got here, I saw the people were out of order and they also infected me. So I remained alone until I was once more in Tao and then, of course, it snowed.”[2]
***
I write these words the day after the U.S. Capitol building was breached by throngs of enraged people. I am enraged, too — and feel a strong, practiced impulse to loudly demean and violently condemn all those whose viewpoints and actions I find abhorrent. The “outer world” is in utter disarray with a radically divided populace, an on-going pandemic, climate instability, social and economic inequities, and more. It is easy to furiously believe that “those other people” are the ignorant, the deluded, the power-hungry, the “deplorables” or whatever other distinction I can identify separates them from me.
And meanwhile, an immense psychospiritual drought withers all of the land. The world outside may be (at least in part) a reflection of within. Just now as I write, I remember a quote that was psychically-implanted long ago: “Think as if your every thought were etched in fire upon the sky for all and everything to see. For so, in truth, it is.”[3] Do I dare to bring to consciousness the tyrants, insurrectionists, enablers, entitled ones, perpetual victims, indoctrinated conformists, know-it-alls, or heartless ones that are hidden (or maybe not so hidden) in my manner of presence, in my psychic habits, in my way of being in the world?
Over here. I found them. Here they are.
***
Of course it’s not enough to shudder with recognition when we encounter the deplorable in ourselves; of course it’s not sufficient to only Om for the world. But perhaps when we find the top-secret chambers where the tyrants, victims, conformists and others hide, we might hear and feel the tremendous grief cry that we share with all of those who are broken, lost, betrayed, oppressed, repressed, and trying to survive in worn-out systems that depend on pitting human beings against each other. From that recognition, we might find a way toward common ground.
When you look at it through the keyhole of our limited mind perception, the idea of manifesting something out of nothing seems to be a bit of a bizarre notion despite being beautiful and poetic. The reason why it appears so strange for the rational mind is because manifesting something into reality requires us to suspend our habitual way of operating through the mind, with all the judgments, expectations, doubts or seeing things through the lens of the past, and step into the flow of Life. It also requires that we stop observing and following the assumed law of cause and effect as we know it, and start realizing that in the state of flow we are fully participating in creation and that we can cause an effect rather than just being affected by causes outside our own reach. In the state of flow, the coin of our perceived world is flipped over.
So what is a state of flow, exactly? You know when you are in that beautiful state of mind where everything seems to shine and move smoothly? Most of the time this happened because you are in a high vibe mood, you are relaxed, confident and trustful of life, and more importantly you get yourself out of the way. You don’t judge the process or interfere with the flow. You openly trust what is about to be born and this is essentially what I mean by loosening the cords of attachment and expectation of the outcome. It is about relaxing the tight grip of the mind in its constant attempt to control,manalyze, predict, label or worry about what is happening and what can possibly happen.
The interference of the mind is the biggest obstacle to flow, and of course, manifestation. When you see it from a higher perspective, outside of the mind’s perceptual and emotional filters of realit, everything is in a magical flow, and perfect. It’s only our perception the is distorted. What we think of as magical and ‘paranormal’ is really the normal way the Universe operates at a very basic level. We just can’t see it while the mind is creating noise and distortion.
Loosening and Relaxing the Cords of Creation
The idea of loosening the cords is therefore about relaxing our control on reality - it’s about flowing more with life and controlling less. The Universe doesn’t like to operate in tight spots, through tension or under pressure. Harmony and openness are keys that allow the process to flow because it doesn’t restrict all those paths of possibilities through which something can manifest itself. You need to keep yourself open to the quantum possibilities. If you are focusing too much with the rational problem-solving level of the mind, you are shutting close the door for magic to flow in because by focusing on something specific, you are forcing or trying to determine a specific path without knowing that there are different and more suitable paths manifestation can flow through.
The Path of Least Resistance
Creation and manifestation always flow through the path of least resistance just like a mountain stream will flow downwards through the paths and crevices already carved out. It doesn’t flow where there is resistance. We create the resistances and the dams through our mind by doubting, second-guessing ourselves, disbelieving in our creative potential or simply having emotional conflict going on about the thing we want to manifest. Secondly you cannot urge or force something into creation as much as you cannot urge or force someone to give birth without having the opposite effect of what is intended. To force something into creation will just not work because it goes away from the path of least resistance. Like Joe Dispenza had wittingly put it, you do not go in the kitchen to urge and hassle the cook after you placed an order at the Universe’s restaurant!
The Balancing Forces in Action
Another idea that is very important and which is directly related to the notion of loosening the cords is the cosmic principle of balancing forces. The Universe has an auto-correcting function that gets triggered whenever something goes out of balance. It doesn’t make a difference if it is galactic-scale big or Tuesday-morning-setback small. It’s like an imaginary rubber band that once stretched it will snap back to its original position and restore the balance.
The planet being in terrible turmoil and confusion, what do most people do – myself included, though I strive to overcome it? We accept it while we insist: We will not accept it!
In other words, we resist and that is the road to the acceptance of misery, confusion and unhappiness. How can that be if we resist it? Well, our all too frequent reaction is really emotion of various kinds – anger, fear, hopelessness, grief, etc, exactly what the chaos is designed to create.
What happens then? We feed the chaos with all these emotions and it grows – like raising a child with hate and they become hateful. And the perpetrators of the chaos smile and think they have won. They think they have overcome their own deep-seated and shallow fear and hate has been overcome by holding the “enemy” at bay or destroyed. Now THAT’S a miserable life. Much worse than yours.
We engage in all kinds of activity to beat these evil forces – from reading and commenting with protests, opinions, letters to political leaders, writing articles as I do, etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with these things and much needed.
But where should these activities come from? That is my gist and I will try to explain it to myself as I write to you. You see, that is part of the plan. The less we think, the more we know, even when putting and trying to put cohesive words on paper and cyberspace. It appears to be very analytical. But truly I had no idea what words and concepts I would write until I began to write them. And I refrain as much as possible from “thinking them up” before I type.
This practice of reducing thoughts to a bare minimum (needed to wash dishes, go shopping and all that) should never be considered a “blank mind” in the traditional sense of the word – like stupid. That label has been administered by schools and families who stress that we need to accumulate “facts” as the estimation and growth of intelligence and ability to function.
Surely data is needed to get along in our day to day lives. But what comes first? Silence and stillness. In other words, lose your mind with all its pictures, words, worries, pains, conflicts, all from the past. What remains? The powerful essence of you in the present moment. We call it many things – God, the Supreme Being, the spirit, etc. All it is, really, is you in the moment, this moment as you read this.
What do we do in this state of mind – or no mind? We simply know and experience not only our true self but our environment, our world.
What does this mean in terms of the chaos and danger around us? We simply stay in the present moment as we read, study and experience this chaos and not allow ourselves to “be” the chaos, to succumb to it as though it is real or even inevitable. By agreeing to it all, we recreate in our minds and then in our lives and then in our environment and it becomes real.
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