Improvisational Relationship

By Suzen

After reading This Article, I came up with a new idea, a new term. I call it “Improvisational Relationship”. I have noticed how in all relationships, we have expectations and concepts about how it is supposed to progress, gleaned from generations of programming. Especially in intimate relationships, we self-sabotage by getting stuck in old ways of communicating that never really connect. The relationship erodes because we are attempting to plug ourselves in old models of relating that do not have any flexibility or ingenuity, no inventiveness or creativity, no spontaneity or aliveness.  So what if we did relationship completely differently, as an exercise in ad-libbing our way through it?

Awareness is the key to this, as is microscopic honesty. It means no hidden agendas or secrets or withheld communications. It means putting all your cards on the table at all times, never anything up your sleeve. And it means a direct commitment every moment to being as conscious as possible and completely responsible for everything going on inside you, including the propensity to project on and blame others for causing uncomfortableness.

So how would this look? Let’s take a very simple example of a situation that could lead to an argument in “normal” circumstances.  Let’s say on partner suggests a meal out, perhaps for Chinese food. And the other partner responds with, “Chinese food? How could you suggest that when you know I hate Chinese food?” Suddenly drama ensues without either party looking at the deeper levels occurring here. How different it would be if partner #2 responded with, “Wow, I am noticing how strong an aversion I have to your suggestion, not only to this idea I have had for a long time that I do not like Chinese food, but also why would someone who loves me suggest something I dislike? I think I need to look at this deeper. Let’s go to that new Chinese restaurant and see if we can maintain our connection while there.”

Now we are in the realm of discovery, of adventure, a willingness to investigate the unknown. And this can’t be a one-way street, it has to be flexible enough to accommodate the testing and expanding of boundaries held by both parties to the experiment.

The point is to live completely in the moment, completely sensitive to and aware of the ways the past tries to elbow in on the present, locking us into previously designed scripts that no longer serve the Love we know we are. Love has no boundaries, no chains, no expectations. It is active, alive, free-flowing, and dynamic. It cannot be captured in a concept, a word, or a belief system. It is like trying to grab and jail the wind.

For generations, we have been inculcated with images and stories and experiences of relationship that often are dysfunctional and distorted, that do not include simple kindness, forgiveness, and affection. Maybe as children we had these experiences, but all too often, as we become grown-ups, this simple and uncomplicated way of relating falls to the wayside and we are caught up in the cultural dogmas of marriage, family, and child-rearing.

My son, Orion, has been involved with a way of exploring improvisation called “Story Games”. These are like role playing games, but live and sometimes fully theatrical, with costumes and props. More often, they are played around a table with a group, beginning with the outline of a situation, and roles and personalities are designed through a role of the dice. It is much like life in how it unfolds for us, where we find ourselves in parts and scenarios that appear unexpectedly and spontaneously. We truly have little control over how life unfolds, as much as we would like to think otherwise. In these games, one finds oneself often exploring and playing out very different facets of our personalities, sometimes encountering in the interactions with others our emotional limitations and boundaries. There is a pre-set agreement in these games that no one is required to act out anything they feel uncomfortable with: there is always a pre-arranged signal to call “time-out” in these circumstances. But most of the time, people are willing to go all the way through out of curiosity and discovery as to how things might play out. It is a fearless and exuberant exploration, sometimes therapeutic in nature, of our relational characteristics. The people who enjoy these games have often explored intimately with each other many possibilities of relating that allow them much more flexibility and leeway in their relational choices. They are not so hemmed in by conventional ways of thinking.

My participation in some of these exercises has stretched my own ideas about myself, especially those labels that confine me to the pre-defined roles of “mother”,  “woman”, and “spiritual”. What are these labels anyway except ways to make static and unchanging something that is part of the dynamic flow of living itself? These words are only useful when pointing to objects as we attempt to constantly fine tune our communications about them. But they ultimately have no objective or subjective meaning, in a world seeking its own evolution and as we individuals strive for liberation.

I am in the active process of discovering where I still harbor old definitions of self, especially in intimate relationships. It cannot be contrived, this feeling my way into the landscape of relating from pure unfathomable consciousness first, allowing myself to discover how it may unfold without attempting to control or manipulate the outcome. The pre-programmed personality must step aside, sometimes unwillingly, in order to allow an unhurried and instinctive developing of events. This primal and original aware self is deeply drawn to encounter this way of Being. There is a raw truth in it, vital and undisguised. It leaves me naked to my very soul, vibrant like a leaf dancing in the wind, in resonance with Life itself. Here is where I meet the Beloved of my Heart, in true celebration of our Oneness.

Bringing this to life in my physical existence, grounding it onto the earth and making it real, seems to be the goal of this lifetime now. Practicing this improvisational relationship in playful, childlike ways is enjoyable and generates much laughter. It is not a serious exercise, but a spirited one. It gets me immediately out of the mind matrix and into the Now. It is the leading edge of life as inventive art, a movement that arises from and increases creativity. It is Joy come alive.